Sorry for the weird title, I could not find a better way to phrase it. Also not the best in english, but I will try my best.
About me: 23 years old Male 178~ cm 82kg 20%+ bodyfat
Just a quick history about me, since that will be very relevant to my question, I will make it quick as possible, I promise:
-Overweight from childhood until age 16, where I was at 120kg
-Lost 50kg from age 16 to 17, via horrible starvation (literally eating around 300-500 calories, almost no protein)
-Could not maintain of course, but wanted to get leaner
-Continued to try so with the extreme approach, having no idea of anything. Ended up binge eating and getting psychological issues because of it.
-Cared about nothing and went full 'self destruction' mode
-Went from 70kg to 140kg from age 17-19, mostly started with creating the habit to binge (by dieting that extreme) + psychological feeling completely defeated
-Stayed at that weigh from age 19 to age 20
-Realized that this was no way to live, went with an extreme diet again from age 21 to age 22, all was going well until I hit around 90kg
-There the extreme approach was just not working again and I developed binge eating once again, which ended in a horrible cycle of extreme restriction and then binge eating
-Still managed to get down to 75kg, by continued extreme dieting. By that time I was using PSMF, so it was more 'smart', still had a lot of binges, but I got down that lean and was reasonably lean (something like 15-17%). I reached the 75kg around 6 months ago.
-From there on I could not maintain once again of course and kept on yoyo-dieting, now I'm up to 82kg. 8 weeks ago I upped calories and went with a smaller deficit(500-1000 maybe), still could not really maintain that. Was frustrated and went with PSMF again after 4 weeks at a smaller deficit + overeating. Did that for 2 weeks, realized I just could not do this anymore, and it was getting me nowhere. That was 4 weeks ago.
-4 Weeks ago I upped calories to around maintenance, the first 2 weeks I was actually under it I think. For the last 2 weeks, I have been eating several days over maintenance (think 2000-3000 calories over) and some days just around it. I just could not take the hunger anymore. This is going on until today, and I'm afraid I have done some serious damage to my hormones, appetite etc. by my history. I still have the urge to overeat on most days, even though I have been in a 14,000 calorie surplus in the last 2 weeks.
Now the question and the Issues: How can I recover my metabolism without getting fat again? So I can smartly set up an approach to get to a healthy bodyfat.
My goal is clearly to get to a healthy bodyfat, but as of right now, my hunger still seems elevated, and I have to honestly say, this is really overwhelming and scary to me.
I has GREATLY improved in the last 2 weeks, I have better well-being, not cold all the time, actually feel like I'm alive and I don't have the urge to have anything like those 10,000 calorie binges anymore, BUT at the same time, I was in a surplus of around 14,000 calories in the last 2 weeks. I'm far from 'recovered' I think, but gained noticeable fat. Was at 78kg 4 weeks ago, now at around 82kg, water was gained too, but fat also, no doubt. I'm afraid I will have to get more fat to recover properly, but this thought does seem not right to me, since I'm already at a unhealthy bodyfat and I frankly don't want to get fatter, since that can't be good (physiological and of coursy psychological too)
So, I was thinking to recover my hormones to a healthy baseline and then continue to diet, this time smartly, with a very small deficit, refeeds, breaks etc. I count calories too, have been doing so for the last 3 years almost. Lifting for around 1 year now.
How would you guys go into this? What do you think about my case?
I don't expect anyone to have read what I just wrote, it got much longer than I wanted, and I can totally understand if you don't feel like taking the time to read all this.
I'm very grateful for anyone that is willing to help here, since I feel very alone on this and overwhelmed right now, because it does cause me quite a bit of stress I have to admit.